Jaime Ee, Business Times 28 Mar 08;
DEAR judges searching for Singapore's Happiest Person:
I understand that you believe such a person exists. I could not agree with you more, hence, I would like to submit my application for this esteemed honour.
I feel that I have the necessary prerequisites you are looking for, namely:
I am happy.
I am not sad.
My favourite colour is not blue.
I have a sunny disposition.
My favourite song is Tomorrow from the musical Annie. I believe the sun will always come out tomorrow, more so when the weather forecaster predicts rain.
Yes, I do understand that the above may give you reason to believe that my happiness is chemically induced rather than a natural tendency to look on the bright side. In anticipation of that, I will have you know that my happiness is a scientific conclusion based on my credentials as a keen, albeit uncertified, anthropologist and part-time primatologist.
In fact, my research could be useful to you as you sort through the many nominations to find a winner - thanks to my careful scientific studies, I am able to determine the difference between one who is genuinely happy and the guy in my office who walks by with a perpetual grin on his face.
Thanks to my research, I have identified several strains of happiness:
# The look of everlasting happiness: These people are always smiling, regardless of how you test their patience, say, by tossing paper clips at them when they are not looking. You never see them frown and they're always ready with a cheerful greeting. But don't get all jealous and wonder what their happiness secret is. That smile is actually a 'fear grin' - similar to that of long-tailed macaques when they bare their teeth and look like they're going to take your eye out but actually they're being submissive. So be careful of such overt displays of joy as you never know when they will go for your jugular.
# The overcoming all odds happiness: This is usually more short-term happiness, and occurs at times of great stress which is finally overcome. Say, when you're stuck at the Woodlands checkpoint with a bursting bladder - the sheer joy you feel when you finally find a portable loo. Or, if you're a fugitive hiding in the forest and foraging for food - the sheer happiness you feel when you try some strange berries and realise, 'Hey, I'm not dead!'. Of course, this may cause unhappiness in some other quarters, thereby leading to our next category.
# The theory of equilibrium happiness This yin and yang theory rests on the notion that one's happiness comes usually from depriving another person of his. Like when the person in front of you in the queue gets the last custard-filled chocolate glazed doughnut and you have to settle for the hard krullers instead. Or when plastic surgeons see an exodus of patients from aesthetic doctors.
# The happy kind of happiness: yes, the warm, feel-good, roll with the punches kind of level-headed contentment that we all wish we had but can't give up our full-HD TV sets for.
However, if you succeed in finding such a person, I would suggest that you let me administer some of my stringent proven methods that involve just a token amount of violence to ensure that the winner is genuine. Please let me. It would make me happy.
